Recently I was working with a particular distressed child, say his name was David. According to his Neurologist David was suffering from daily anxiety headaches.
After a bit of exploring with David, I discovered that there was a certain bully in his class who seemed to be terrorizing him.
I asked David to give me an example.
He said that, that day Sammy the bully had thrown paper planes at him and called him “stupid”.
I then inquired from David....”so what did you do?”
David’s response was a funny face which could be interpreted as a look of cynicism...
Many kids have had the experience of being teased by a friend or sibling on occasion. Usually, such scenarios are done in a friendly manner and perceived by both involved, as a "game".
But there are unfortunately many serious cases where children get bullied on a constant basis both physically and emotionally.
Usually such children would not be aware that they are being “bullied” per se and will not complain about the unpleasant experiences that occur in school etc., rather they would tend to find reasons not to go to school or even become physically sick on a frequent basis.
What I see is interesting from my experience in working with many such cases, is that often the child being bullied does not tend to have a very successful strategy to make what is happening to them stop.
Instead they go into their own imagination and dream and devise all sorts of unrealistic plans and ideas of how to get back at that bully.
These internal thoughts and dialogues within the bullied child’s mind will often take up a big chunk of their day and disrupt much of their learning.
Because of this, much of the bullied child's verbal or physical response to the situation when it occurs only happens in their mind. And in reality they will also expect that the bully will know exactly how much it is bothering them inside (since they told them so...in their mind).
In matter of fact, the child bullying does not really get to learn of the extent and effect of their actions until some grown up, perhaps a teacher, or parent decides to get involved.
So, what I am suggesting is that rather than parents offering different solutions to their children, it would be far more helpful if parents taught their children to respond appropriately.
Something like.. “It really bothers me, when you do that to me” , or simply "Stop it", in a firm sounding voice.
School, as tough as it may be for a child, is a learning experience for life. It would help a lot if parents or educators would learn to stand back and observe the patterns of behaviors and correct them where it makes sense.
Sometimes, we as parents attempt to step into the child’s shoes. This makes us regress to what it felt like when we were in a similar situation as a child and makes us feel helpless. Our children can pick up our feelings of helplessness and feel even less secure. If we remember that children learn and adapt amazingly, we can really help them thrive and grow through their problem...all they need is the opportunity.
This blog is more about being aware of patterns than how to deal with the issue.
This blog is taken from http://www.menachemschloss.com/2012/04/16/understanding-bullying/ In the future I will be blogging more on the subject of working practically with kids and their challenges.
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