Treating younger kid's fears effectively

The key to treating (younger) kid’s Fears

The other day I came home to find out that my four year old had been crying quite hysterically because she didn’t want to go to heaven (after 120 years).
Now, I could have come from a number of different approaches. For example, I could have discussed the idea of death and after life with her, or speak to her about the idea of heaven and what a nice place it is and that there really is no need to be scared etc.
But what I did was much more simple and effective, and this is the tool I would like to offer you:
At some point after she had calmed down a little (through some distraction), I asked her “what is it that you don’t like about heaven?”
She replied “There is no food there, what will I eat?”
I responded to her question, put her at ease until she was happy and content.
So with that simple and to the point question, I got to understand what is bothering her.
My point is that when working with a child’s fear or anxieties it is most important for a parent not to come up with their own assumptions of what is going on for the child in their mind, because most likely what the child is afraid of will be completely different than what you think it is.
Parents also need to be able to act with confidence and communicate clearly especially in a case when a child is feeling afraid and disorientated.
Here is another example:
Recently, parents came to see me along with their child, who was suffering from certain anxiety related issues.
The parents mentioned that the child was afraid of “something” and that that was probably the cause for the child’s anxiety symptoms.
After some probing I got to understand that the child was afraid of “robbers”.
The thing is, when a child is afraid of an imaginary fear (as in this case) they will usually have a particular image in their mind of how “it” looks and sounds.
So I inquired from the child “What does the robber look like? How tall is he? What kind of shoes does he wear?” etc.
We got to learn that the child’s imaginary robber was really a very small man, with brown boots and lots of pimples (very much like the ones in the kids’ books).
In the meantime the parents were sitting and listening to the child’s description, quite amazed and surprised by these new revelations. Obviously they had no idea what they were “up against”.
The parents had thought that the child was afraid of the normal kind of robber (the kind which they too are scared of) and for that they were afraid to even talk about it with their child. Now they know it’s the fictional robber out of a comic book and for that they can feel more equipped to deal with it.

This blog is taken from http://www.menachemschloss.com/2012/03/22/the-key-to-treating-younger-kids-fears/ Best regards,
Menachem Schloss
NLP Therapist & Education Consultant

Setting Boundaries: The one word that can make the difference

Unfortunately for many people the mere words "setting boundaries" makes them feel like they are in a confrontation of some sort.
The reason for this is because so many times when a parent or teacher try to set out guidelines for a child, the child by design will try to push for what they think is best or most fun for them.

A typical example:
Child to Parent: "I would like to go over to a friend to play"
P to C: "Okay. Make sure to be back by 8:30 so that you can do your homework and get ready for bed"
C to P: "But that hardly gives me any time to play, you've got to let me stay longer than that"….etc

In the last sentence the child said there is one word that started the confrontation. That word is the "BUT". The word "but" acts as a deletion to whatever was said prior to that.

In order for the parent not to fall in that trap and be able to keep the set boundary, it is important that they play the game carefully.
And it really is very easy to be able to manage this conversation. All the parent needs to do is replace the word "BUT" to the word "AND".

So carrying on with the previous dialogue with the parent and child:

Parent to Child:
(Parent has a clear and short discussion with the child about why it's important to go to sleep on time and be awake for tomorrows school lessons etc..)
C to P: "But how do you expect me to be home so early, besides all my friends go to sleep much later than me"
P to C: "I know that it is very important for you to have time playing with your friends AND I would also like you to be home by 8:30 so that you can get to sleep on time."

Note: The word AND takes away the whole idea of a confrontation or argument and instead allows the set boundary to stay in place while you (the parent) are still agreeing with the child's need for fun.

So since the parent has agreed with the child and never made a point of arguing, the child does not have much choice but to say:

"Okay. I'll be home then".

If on the odd chance the child does choose to persist with their argument, you can continue to repeat the same pattern, simply using the word "AND" where ever there would have been a "but".
By the way, this works with adults as well. If you ever find yourself stuck in an argument, the best and easiest way to win your point over is by using this pattern. It may be a bit humbling but at the end of the day you will come out with the other person willing to understand or accept that it is your opinion and you can feel at peace.

So for example:

Someone to me: "I totally disagree with this article"
Me to S: "It's interesting that you say that AND I have heard from many people how this really made a difference to them"


This blog is taken from http://www.menachemschloss.com/2012/04/18/setting-boundaries-the-one-word-thatll-make-the-difference/ Best regards,
Menachem Schloss
NLP Therapist & Education Consultant

Change a life with two sentences

Change a life with two sentences

Thank you for taking a minute to read this blog. The fact that you are reading this means that you are a person who cares or has an interest in helping others improve their life.

There are 2 different types of complimentary statements.

There are the, “general broad statements”

Then there are the, “specific, hit the nail on the head, statements”.

Interestingly, the effect of these types of statements will be completely different, depending on whether they are positive (a compliment) or negative (an insult).

For example, if you can remember times that you valued a compliment you received from somebody, my guess would be that it wasn’t somebody telling you that are such a wonderful person, rather, it would have been something quite specific that the other person appreciated in you. Something like, “Thanks for the cake, it tasted delicious”, compare that with “this cake you made has such a perfect texture, what did you to make it so soft and spongy?” etc.

The latter compliment will have a greater effect on the person who baked the cake. Why?
Because, people need evidence in order to believe something good about themselves. Another example would be,

“You know you have a great voice…”

Compare that to..

“I really loved the way you sang the high part on that first song”.

On the other hand, when it comes to criticisms or insults, people much prefer to hear what was wrong with them specifically rather than being generalized as a bad person:
“A disgusting person”
Compared with..
“It’s disgusting to leave your bed messy”

To sum up, to make a person feel like a million dollars and improve their self-esteem tenfold, tell them something great about them which is true and give them "evidence" of it.

It can also help to use the word "because" or "this means".

"I can see your a good dresser because of the elegant shirt you're wearing today"

A parent may tell their child, "I saw that you cleaned the table after lunch, that means you're getting big".


This blog is taken from http://www.menachemschloss.com/2012/03/22/change-a-life-with-two-sentences/ Warm regards,
Menachem Schloss
NLP Therapist